confused?

nearly a month later... finally i'm writing. but first, i need to vent my frustration. i'm having a rotten evening. (nearly morning) 1. there is a mosquito currently sucking blood out of my foot and i can't get it off without killing it, so i've left it alone. only it itches and i don't see why i should make the mosquito happy if it hurts me. 2. i've been in a bad mood since about 10pm (surely the reason will follow) and i tried to go sit outside on the quad to do my work. impossible. the stupid bugs. then i come back inside to find... oh that's right... a SLUG leaving a nice little trail on our bamboo mat. it's not bad enough that O4 has an ANT PROBLEM. nasty slug got stuck to me as i tried to put it back outside. also i'm upset because i don't understand how i have homework from an 8:30-5 job. it's all wonderful and rewarding but i'm tired of staying up till 1 after working so long during the day. worst part is, i'm still not done for the night. compounding these frustrations, i'm in this nasty state of mind where i miss my sister and my best friend and NEITHER OF THEM would like to respond to emails.

ok. so last night i got to reading some george ohsawa (about time, right?) anywho, verne had his interpretations of the key principles of macrobiotics on this same site, so i read that too... thought provoking, in a wonderful way. the whole macrobiotic philosophy of change - everything grows in proportion - gratitude. lots to chew on. i was particularly moved by his writing on active gratitude and expectations. he writes that it is "alright to have expectations as long as you maintain a frame of mind that really feels it's equally alright for those expectations not to happen..." i'm simply NOT there. i wish i could hold on to my expectation of them replying while being just as happy imagining that they're not (and won't) replying because they're off on crazy adventures. the matter of the fact is despite my realization that i need to make MYSELF happy i am checking my email feeling that it's decidedly NOT equally alright.

which brings me to why this really sucks for me: because i'm having such a wonderful summer that i can't understand why such petty things are making me so upset!

i need to go finish some stuff for work. i suppose it boils down to "live and let live," which is why, in the end, i didn't kill the mosquito.