this can't be good

today has gone a bit downhill. i can't swallow, my ear hurts, and i still have three hours of class tonight to make it through. mr ben and j (i'm not changing that, even though i now recognize that it looks like ben and jerry) thoroughly made fun of me at lunch for not being able to hear anything. right right, well i think it's not nearly as funny now. arg i hate being sick. this really came out of nowhere - i just woke up this morning feeling sick, and it's decided to persist. ho well.

random moment from class to relate: this morning in gov, we were discussing collective action problems and how concrete public goods are. i've been writing down quotes of digiusto, because he is possibly the most wonderful professor one could have at 8:30 in the morning. today's top quote: "it's not all about who provides the yoyos." (yoyos being a very physical public good.) or at least i think they're a public good. i don't know of anyone who is angered by the sight of a yoyo. anywho. yoyos seem to be popping up everywhere in my life lately. it is a sign, i think. a couple days ago, i was walking to little dog and a mum and her son were walking in the other direction out of the red dragon toy shop (i think that's what its called). anywho, he was frantically ripping the plastic container off of his new yoyo and it made me smile. i remember doing a similar thing after leaving elliot bay bookstore with my brand new klutz yoyo book (and yoyo, don't worry). i ran into yoyos and happiness again when i randomly turned on the tv. it was the tv show monk (which i find hilarious and neurotic...just wonderful) anywho, one of the characters had an anger problem and his therapist gave him a yoyo to use as a happifying (technical term) device. anywho. i think its awesome.

classes are classes are classes. i want to sleep, not be sick, and just read (for class haha) jordan asked me today how late i stayed up, and it was unacceptably late. when i told him i was reading, he snidely remarked that "it was probably from a book you don't need to read." thanks bro. haha. actually last night was all about gov reading with waaay too much econ in it that i had no idea about. it took 3 solid days of reading to do the 80 pages. oy vey. tonight's class will be fun too, if i can only stay awake/hear the class/not cough the whole way through.

i wish you could get good pho in maine...alas...not.

last night: wonderful/terrible

didn't call nagymama this morning. arg. i went to bed at 3 and woke up at 9 but i just couldn't call for some reason. my mind wasn't in hungarian mode, i guess. now i'm at little dog reading for enviro science (how fun) and just thinking. last night was 90% amazingly fun and 10% shit. haha i was supposed to go contradancing with holly/kruik et al. but i had the fabulous idea that i'd drink milk. aaand i got sick. anywho. later i went with erica to laurel and youree's bday party. soo much fun! hanging out with jesse and heather, we began to plan our international wine gathering (with togas!)...so many fun ideas. i am so thankful to have friends like those three. and to imagine that i only met jesse through heather this year. there are so many wonderful people that you don't get a chance to meet till their last semester haha, it amazes me. post laurel's was a bit strange (understatement). a confused mess. i got to see armband though! basically though that portion of my night was the epitome of my fears expressed in my last entry. what am i doing? is this all worth it? i'm in need of just one minute of omnipotence to figure this all out. all i know is that the happiness derived from all the wonderful moments do not justify how i felt last night. since i love trusting my performance on chinese exams to learning through osmosis, perhaps i should leave this to be resolved through my incessant wishing on stars. (probably not) honestly, i should just become a nun. :-P

life the universe, and noonie

oh gah. what a title, eh? anwyho. a lot to talk about. so here goes. it's 12:31 on january 28th. pretty awesome in that 1231 is a pretty sweet sequence of numbers. i like random things like that... and the fact that humans are coelomates...and groundworms aren't. right right that needs an explanation. i've been pretty happy recently, but there is a lot to write about. a lot to think about. just digesting it all... yesterday (as in half an hour ago) was awesome. i had ornithology with nat at 10 am. AMAZING. if i hadn't had an epiphany about how i should go about being an environmental lawyer, i may still be tossing and turning at night pondering how to get a phd in ornithology. i love birds. more than i love lamp, hehe. that says a lot. today i sat between mike and mike - two of the sweetest guys in class, and two of the most wonderful people i've met at bowdoin. not bad for a class that i'm auditing, eh? i just need to buy my book soon...eek. anywho. we talked about vomiting procellariformes...true dat, man. :) they smell funky too! in the afternoon dan and i went crazy shopping for dinner. cooking was AMAZING. i wish i could do it more often. about a dozen of my most beloved friends at bowdoin - in one room. eating greek food :) (opa!) drinking wine, listening to hungarian opera (haha and anything from clap your hands to shakira!) it was possibly the most wonderful dinner i've had at bowdoin yet. if i hadn't been nearly tickled to death, i may have gotten up the nerve to tell each of my friends how much i love them - and how happy it made me that they could be there! but i suppose being tickled wasn't half bad. being tied up in my wonderful fleece blanket sort of sucked though :) ... a bit claustrophobic, i must say.
before i go to bed (which i thought i'd be doing about 2 hours ago) i have to say that although i don't quite understand why i love people as much as i do, i can't help it. i wish i could develop a tiny shell to protect me from the sucky times in which you get hurt by loving people, it just never seems to happen. i'm so happy. i want to trust everyone and all their motives. i don't want to imagine next semester/year - i love my friends, both old (read: senior) and young. i don't want to lose a single one. oy vey.
let me end this latish post by saying something entirely vague and something not so vague... VAGUE: one of my most beloved "older" friends reminded me today that life does not revolve around a single person. true. my life revolves around all my friends, all my acquaintances, and around the fact that everyone deserves your love until they show otherwise. i just want to acknowledge their insight - i realize this. it is interesting though (really now) trying to come to terms with one's internal feelings toward individuals. i'm reading a book right now about various things (hehe, ultimate vagueness!) and i've come to question exactly WHY i love people/places/things/etc etc. the fact remains however, that i do. why is an important question, though i hope i can find a painless answer!
life is fragile. i'm finding that love, honesty, generosity, and sleep are the most wonderful and fulfilling (if a bit stressful, nervewracking) bits in it all.
can i just make a tshirt???? "don't mess with me... i love you!" anyway, something like that. i miss julianna. i keep calling, bu apparently she's always with the magnificent ivan :) (i or j- if you read this... it'd be awesome if i could call and have you be home!!!) hehe. 1am on sunday. i'm thinking of calling nagymama at 10...which makes me think of grandma...and a certain kid who i know a lot and surprisingly little about. oy vey. just think of levin... it's all about happiness, in the end...

jo eszakat all - i love you more than i'll ever have the guts to tell you to your face. once i figure out the secret behind apple tarts, i'll express my love in the form of little tarts...

and ps. i love (and miss) most thoroughly, noonie.

holy kleenex, batman!

it's been a looong time since i last added to this here thing. happily back at bowdoin, (basically) moved in to O, although the bedroom bit is still a bit of a mess as i haven't put away any clothes. hehe i think nugget may just shoot me soon. naw. anyway, living with her and halpal is amazing, it's just so fun to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night with two so happy and inspiring people. and thank goodness nugget doesn't snore. hehe. classes are amazing. i really think this semester is in the running for best semester so far, which is wonderful considering each one since freshman year has been exactly that (although certain semesters have been easier/harder on the stress, which sort of factors into the overall measure of "wonderfulness") anywho. next time i'll go into detail about the virtues of each of my classes, but in the few minutes i have right now i just need to express how happy it makes me to be back on campus. it's so good to see kruiky - i've missed her very literally with all my heart. i have this impossible dream of being able to communicate perfectly with everyone. i wish i could know what i could do to make someone else happy, and that they knew everything about me as well. i know that this is impossible and the complexity of human psychology makes all communication a bit of a tug of war, but with kruiky i feel the closest to this little dream of mine. there really isn't anything i wouldn't tell her, and how she thinks/speaks/exists makes me smile. i wish i could communicate with everyone with the same ease as with kruik. it isn't that i want life to be easy, or for problems to solve themselves, but just to be comfortable talking. oy vey. anywho, so i heart rachel. :P

things i miss from break: my extremely long walks, reading all the time, seeing grahammy and lima, pacific salmon (hehe), seattle sunshine (when it happens)

things i'm most elated about: seeing my plant (and it's lovely winter break caretaker!!) living with nugget/halpal, cooking again for/with my friends, little dog and boho, SNOW!!!, hours of blissful class and homework, talking about books, and seeing people i love. oh gosh i'm happy!

maine MAINE!

today is thursday, happy happy. i'm off to class with graham-the-great (i'm sure he won't mind that title hehe) in a couple hours. i'm excited because i've never been to a uw class before so it'll be wonderful to see what they do to kids in washington. m+p are home eating breakfast or something like that. we woke up early today to call grandpapa in montreal and rania in wherever she is now (dude when i'm her age i want to travel like that!) but neither of them were reachable. haha funny note, i left a message with the attendant nurse dude of grandpapa's and i asked that he write my name down so that grandpa know exactly who called. after spelling my name about 4 times he said "wonderful sylvia, i'll let your grandfather know." so please, i go by sylvia now. F as in FRANK damn it! hehe. i hate telephones!
mama made one of the best dinners EVER last night. papa/mama and i went to uwajimaya together and we got excessive asian ingredients (go chen, go!) i heart sashimi. i think i should make tshirts with that on it. we also had salmon, only my favoritest fish. wonderful. only problem is that when the parental units are in charge of WHEN we eat, it generally is pretty late, and i feel sick if i eat at 7. boo on that one.
i feel this is sort of a laundry list of past and future activities, but c'est la vie. today mama and i are going shopping. i generally don't like shopping. i don't like seeing little 15 year old girls pretending to be 30 and all that. i don't like salespeople who think they're just wonderful. (they may be wonderful people, but not by their relation to the store at which they work) anyway though, it'll be fun. on saturday i leave for maine. most excited for that one. i still need one more class though. i want to have an amazing semester. i have always loved new semesters because you get to start over. its not that i don't like where i end up by december or may, just that i like being at september/january better :) hopefully lima and grahammy will make it out to bowdoin this semester too! most of all though, i just can't wait to see a barataim. ya know. i can't think too much about saturday though, because (if last night was any indication) it prevents me from sleeping. never fun for someone who loves to sleep. hehe.

rain rain go away

umm so... it's raining...still. :) i think this is day 23 or so. i've lost track. holy crap, i just realized today is friday the 13th. i don't really believe that sort of thing, but it surprised me when i looked at the calendar. ooh what society ingrains in our noggins! last night hanging out with armband and aaron we discussed whether girls who liked tall chunky men did so out of biological preference or social constructed ideals. it was interesting. it seems like only yesterday we were all being nerdly high school friends, and nothing has really changed. as ivy always says, prolly the best i know. i only wish graham had come to bowdoin. that would've been awesome. hehe.

so weather report rain. extended forecast rain. my parents come home monday, and i have a bunch of cleaning to do. :) woot. among the i think six books i'm reading right now, i'm reading betty friedan's the feminine mystique. i don't know what i think of my current housewifeyness. armband and i talked about post-college life decisions a bit (i don't know how he was coherent, 16 hour time change and minimal sleep hehe) i've never really thought about the fact that you DO have to decide your own philosophy at some point. anywho, that's fodder for a different day's writing. class starts in 10 days, and i still need another class. all the ones i want to take are either during times i already have class or are full. i'm excited to get back though, reading has been fun but i'm ready for live people...settling in to O, cooking for/with friends, seeing certain people, euchre! learning about the mexican revolution. oh i'm excited!

ps i watched a film last night - sort of an alternate schindler's list, called "good evening mr wallenberg". really, watch it. it's in about four languages, german mostly, hungarian, swedish, and bits of english. arg. i think it was especially powerful for me because most of it is set in budapest, and the buildings look exactly the same, obviously, the hungarian is exactly the same. really surreal. if anyone has movie suggestions, tell me! i'm taking advantage of scarecrow here :) movies are wonderful.

crescendo-y music

the sun is out this morning. today has the beginnings of a wonderful day written all over it. i had breakfast/brunch with christina, my most favorite 23 year old med student :) again, i can never say enough about the wonderfulness of catching up with old friends. it was also wonderful to be back in wallingford. julia's never changes (that's a good thing) and seeing my old neighborhood really brings back lots of good memories. the playground, the "bottle washer" slides, stone way, all of it [jeep turns 90 today!!!]. i'm in a really reflective state of mind right now, and still trying to be present. interesting and a tiny bit contradictory. last night (well i guess all of yesterday) i got into a really lowly mood. seeing christina was a lot like being with j in chicago - a reminder of potential and all things positive (cautious optimism always??). i bet my sister doesn't even know she has such an influence on me. anywho, last night after i came home from the allegro i started making dinner and lost interest. i went to scarecrow and spent about two hours looking at videos, before finally settling on three really really random films. i watched two last night (i haven't stayed up that late since finals, and i probably shouldn't do it hehe) one of them was "me, you, and everyone we know" and the other was a finnish film that i don't know the title of. both of them dealt with characters searching for their place in society, love, etc. both of them were emotional, though for sort of different reasons.the first flim really struck the loneliness chord. anyway, christina laughed a bit at my choices - they only perpetuated my bad mood. until this morning anyway, for some reason i woke up this morning so happy. i don't understand my brain, i don't understand how my perception of situations change overnight, but i'm happy and optimistic, and the sun is out!

today holds the prospect of walking to REI, walking around greenlake, reading some more of one of my all-time favorite books (trying to finish it before i go back!) overthinking seattle with crescendo-y italian opera. there are no easy answers but the sun really makes things seem clearer!

blech.

queasy perhaps. uneasy, blech, something like that. @the allegro. i haven't been here in a loooong time. since freshman year, i think. i remember i met my irish friend then. hehe math grad student. crazy smart with a wonderful accent. that's what reading about fermant's last theorem will get you. (introduced to crazy smart irish math students, oy vey) currently drinking chai. i had such bad indecision i should've been kicked out of here as soon as i walked in, but i guess they're nice here or something. there's a man sitting sort of diagonal to me, wearing a shirt that reads "big things start small". in my current frame of mind that could be taken two ways (riiight... that indecision.) either the big thing that started small will continue to grow and be fun and wonderful, or the small thing that is becoming big is a mess because i'm entirely nidiyotic. or something like that. gar. other than feelings of various forms of insecurity, the feeling that i have a tendency to be wrong (and subsequently interpret everything wrong...act wrong...say the wrong things...etc. etc.) moments like this i need my inner child to prompt me to look up words in the dictionary. yay distractions. i would like everyone to please be happy. that's all. whatever it takes (well hopefully not involving anything too negative). always guilty and responsible. someone please KELP me (inescapable drowning seaweed joke). [insert quasi smile and nervous 3/4 genuine laugh here]

best part of my day: randomly meeting christina and leah, laughing a whole lot...discussing face-hugs, barney man, exercise induced soreness (pros and cons), music and the history of strangers. wonderful.

worst part of my day: feeling sick (going home and gargling), doubt, WWIHT??. grr.

ps it's wicked cold in here. the man next to me is reading a chapter entitled "opportunity"... to opportunity!

pbears, barney, and kruik!

i just read an article (first through grist, then the la times) about toxics in pbears. :( not so fun, eh? interesting to think about bioaccumulation in mammals in general - all the crap that must be in us, for instance. oy. not that this has much to do with what we ingest (well, maybe it does) but a few minutes ago a man's dog decided to relieve itself right there in the middle of the crosswalk (i'm sitting at one of the big windowed cafes on the ave...plenty of crosswalks and pooping dogs to admire) i don't know about anyone else, but i have many memories of my mum sternly reminding my sister and i to take our shoes off before we walked around the house. this was always met with gruff exhalations of contempt (particularly when the phone was ringing or it felt like a waste to take our shoes off to get ONE STUPID book...) anyway, that image of the pooping dog (and the subsequent oblivious college students) really brought my mum's words into my mind. i wouldn't much like to lie down on that sidewalk right now! anywho. that was a tangent.

today has been another lovely day in seattle. i woke up at 6:30, watched the news and weather while contemplating the day and further waking up. around 8 i set out for a walk. i had this strange urge to just keep walking and walking today. i ended up walking to greenlake, then around greenlake, then i took the bus to greenwood (thinking it would be too far to walk...never!), back to greenlake,and all the way home. anyone who knows where i live/what seattle looks like might appreciate it. it took about 3 hours but was soo worth it! along the way, i admired all the dear birds of the lake (i had some problems with my duck identification, and stupidly i left my field guide at bowdoin...does a lot of good there, eh?) i wrote a poem, and came to a pretty awesome understanding about what i want to do after i graduate. it was an amazing walk! on that bus ride from greenlake to greenwood, i had a strange encounter with a man who was sucking his thumb and carrying around a manipulated barney doll. anywho, but i don't have time to type it all out. next time. reminder to self: barney doll story. haha. finally before i go home, i got to talk to my lovely kruiky today for the first time in a while. i have missed her SOO much this last semester! bowdoin , and in fact my little life/universe... is incomplete without kruiky! 2006...w00t!

my seattle

one week into the new year, and i am most certainly alive. in fact, i feel so happy and so alive, that i am looking forward to going back to school. :) this break has been very good to me. after a bit of a slow start, residual school stress, and then the stress of not knowing my grades, vacation has really taken off and is now treating me the way vacations really ought to. since leaving j in chicago, i've been meandering the streets of seattle, rehydrating in 19 days of rain, reading and drawing. i only wish i'd made it to seattle before SAM closed for two years. bummer. yesterday i had the opportunity to catch up with the one and only graham. always wonderful. talking with him really solidified my thought on the merits of bowdoin vs the uw. freshman year i almost seriously contemplated transferring back to the u. (ok more than almost seriously, i really didn't like bowdoin) now, i can't imagine being anywhere else. i wouldn't trade the people i've met at bowdoin for anything. kruiky...holly...freshman year sucked, but i wouldn't think the way i do without my friends - who i wouldn't have met at the uw! haha while thinking about thinking... j introduced me (or rather, her bookshelf introduced me) to pierre hadot. and while she confiscated the poor book from me before i left chicago, i had to keep reading. the history of philosophy and theological thought. it really amazes me, what we take for granted as being the standard or the norm. the role of misinterpretation, translation and borrowing in the development of thought. i love thinking about history, it makes change not seem so daunting. see noonie, i listened to you on the train to frankfurt! anyway, back to tea with grahammy - i couldn't ask for a better afternoon or a better friend. i find it funny how what you feel is important changes over time. there aren't a plethora of people i want to see now in seattle. haha j made a joke about me in hungary this year - something to the effect that i'm a matryoshka doll (haha her reasoning for the layers wasn't quite the same as i'm taking here, but whatever.) in some ways, i really feel that i am. sometimes i feel myself receding into the various layers. i love talking to strangers, and groups of friends, etc. but i'm realizing that i much prefer tiny groups. seeing people who were more like 4 year acquaintances in highschool is good for about 5 minutes. 5 minutes (or 3 hours?!) with graham are far more worthwhile though!
haha before i run off to be crazy somewhere in the udistrict (and by be crazy i mean go read at the bookstore) i just have to say one last time, i love seattle! i love the rain, and recognizing strangers who i've seen for so many years at these little coffee shops, i love magus and all the books i wish i could buy from them...the smell of the air (hehe..."the smell of people doing...i mean...") ach! i love this city!